1. CREATE A CONTROVERSY, something akin to a scandal, a saga whether in the political or religious sphere then after creating the necessary storm, furore, fan and fanfare, announce your manifesto.
2. INVITE our good friends from the Fourth Estate for a press conference. Relate the history of Kenya’s abusive past and conspiracies and wandering in the ‘wilderness’ for the past 40 years. Then show how you will be a ‘Joshua’ or a ‘Gideon’ to take Kenyans to the Promised Land.
3. While as a member of parliament, TALK ABOUT ANYTHING on nothing about everything. Blame Haiti for collapsed buildings in Kiambu. Blame the Brits for our stupid children in primary. Blame the gods for the heavy rains and drought.
4. DENY, DENY, DENY. Never accept anything the media asks even if you said it yourself. If a clip is indeed played verbatim while you are saying ‘weka tyre’ or ‘ I’d rather die rather than resign’ or ‘my people, indeed I swallowed the oil they are talking about’. With a straight face and as non-political as a Chaplain’s opening prayer just say: “I was misquoted..The words were out of context..What I meant was this…”
5. BE EVERYWHERE. If there is a wedding, be there. If there is a funeral be there. If there is a blood/milk/camel soup concoction being offered in the Annual Endorois Community Cultural Event then be their elder. During Iddul Fitr be a Muslim, be a Muakorino, a Christian, a Legio Maria. Join the bandwagon. Hell, if Hellon accepts, join Finger of God Ministry.
6. In the political arsenal ever relied on in history, nothing has trounced the subjective personal pronoun of ‘WE’. Others might be individuals but you are not. You are a community, a clan, a nation, a people. If you have stolen a few millions and there is badmouthing feel free to say: My people are being targeted as if they are not entitled to eat the national cake. While saying this raise your fore finger to the skies and cloud your face with the impression of a humiliated person who has been denied justice. Study the faces of IDPs then copy them.
7. If your popularity slackens, take heart, there is code 7.CREATE MEDIA HYPE. Gather grizzly, old men and slaughter them a weakling of a bull and confuse their heads with not so pure liquids. Having done this let them bless you as a ‘tribal leader’. Ensure the Paparazzi catch this ‘enthronment’ in tape then say “ the people have spoken, who am I, Son of the Hill, to unspeak what they have spoken’. In all this maintain the face of a monk coming from a monastery with a sacred duty of praying for the Earth against perdition.
8.CREATE ENMITY with fellow politicians in the media. Take opposite stands. Ridicule them. Create a furore. Be a rubble rouser. Make it your business to poke your nose in other peoples’ affairs. At least in the media. When you meet in Laico Regency or Hilton exchange the notes of your invectives, laugh over them and embark on serious business like grabbing public cemetery or joining Rugby or catching up with the latest gossip of which female MP is wearing the shortest skirt and confusing male legislators.
9. Don’t be good. Political saints might be there but you are not in this business for sainthood. At best pretend to be good but never be good. Speak in slums about slum upgrading but live in a ‘poshy leafy suburb’, complain about death of people in Loyangalani because of starvation but feed your dogs with fresh meat and dogs’ meals from supermarkets, talk of ‘Metropolitan Nairobi 2030’ but invest a bungalow in Miami, talk tough about the poor man’s children in public school but take your children in Braeburn, Brookside, Pembroke and Hillcrest. Master the art of doublespeak. Speak by one side of the tongue in public and on the other while in your private residence.
10. BE ALWAYS A KENYAN. Hire thugs to beat the hell out of your opponent and summon a press conference and condemn ‘in the strongest terms possible’ the ‘attempted assassination’ of your ‘political friend’. Clear the air by saying ‘we might disagree on matters of principles and ideals but we agree that we are all made of flesh and blood that make us brothers’. If your hooligans inflicted more injuries than you ordered visit your opponent in the hospital and give a ‘mechanical remorse’ and as situation demands ‘a mechanical tear or sob’. It is part of the baggage and if you have never cried for the past 48 years make a point of rubbing your rob-smeared-handkerchief on your eyes and roll your eyes funeral-style.
11. BE DIFFERENT. At night when the lesser mortals are asleep, cut political deals till 2 a.m. sleep at 3 a.m and wake up at 5.30 a.m. for a prize giving ceremony in Maragua. Pretend to listen to the harangues of the people but don’t forget to catch some winks before your time finally arrives. Wake up some minutes before your time and say, “ While seated there, People of Maragua, I listened to your problems and my ears are heavy with your words…”
12. There should always be A THREAT to your life. You must always be a target. If a bird excretes on your hat in a fundraising be free to say, “This happens for no reason. This bird has been sent to me, Son of the Hills, by my political opponents.”. If the auctioneers auction your house blame it on your political adversaries who want to ‘reduce you to a pauper’. Go to the Police station and record a statement if while showering your potbelly trips you and you hit your knee on the tiled-bathroom wall.
13. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN. Make it your pastime to form political parties. If there is a serious flood in Kenya immediately before campaigns don’t hesitate to form Pamoja Tuangamize Mafuriko Political Movement. If there is an uproar by the Muslims about Al Feisal who are you to stop wheel of reform by not forming Chama Cha Al Feisal (CCAF). Now that IDPs are there, something like Hata IDPs ni Watu Political Party is not out of this world.
14. You should always be the CLEVER ONE and others a bunch of dimwits who can’t tell the causal link between trees and rain. Stand in broad daylight and say to all who care to hear: “This Constitution has created a prime minister position for Al Feisal. The government has been paid a lot of money by an Arab called Abdul Saib so that it can keep silent. Were it not for my keen eyes, my love for the people of Kenya and my readiness to die for a just cause, we would be dead meat by now”.
15. Even if you have NO IDEA about something and you have been invited to a talk show undergo some transformation..something close to that of Paul on his way to Damascus. Talk about prospecting of oils as if it is like fetching water from River Suam. If you are discussing the budget and the interviewer says something like “Mheshimiwa, the overriding policy thrust of the Budget Policy Statement is to consolidate the economy recovery gains made…how do you reconcile…fiscal estimations as a boon to the Kenyan people..”, never be intimidated. With equal measure say: Jeff, the problem with Kenyans is that they don’t want reality. Like yesterday, I went to Kinangop and people were telling me Mheshimiwa, Mheshimiwa, ho ho..it is like this budget…It reminds me of the son of a colonial chief who had a boil..Imagine, the son of a colonial chief. Talk, talk, talk. Words are the tools of your craft and you are the blacksmith. When discussing How to end Small arms talk about how Kony fears you.
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