Making Use of My Legal Jargons

Don’t be lied to: If by your fourth year in law school you have not actually used those latin terms and legal jargons, don’t pretend that you will ever use them. There is 10/10 Chance that you never will.

As for me, I use them daily anywhere and to any person. I use them with impunity! Matter of fact, I don’t care what they mean provided they come out of my mouth with the coherence of a courtroom brawler.

And I use it with equal measure when I am angry. It does wonders. The only people I don’t try to use it with are the boys in blue. Just try to say, Wait a minute, according to Section 49 of the Promulgated Constitution my rights encapsulated there as an arrested person…Two things are for sure. One, you will not finish your sentence. Two, our boys in the blue will think that you are laughing at their ‘profession’ and their suppressed anger of poor housing, poor bribes, poor sex life will resurface. You will not like the experience. They will say something like: “ Huyu Gichana iko na gijwa ngumu sana..yeye ijui sisi tadandiga yeye na tugienda kortini sisi tazema charged with insulting boliceman on chutty, interrubting berformance of his chutty to the Rebublic of Genya”.

My use of legal jargons started well on the first semester of my first year. I applied it on a DJ in a certain funspot who wasn’t keen on playing the songs that I wanted. I started something like: “ Izza DJ, what mutatis mutandis of the ipso facto praetor peregrinus of jus civile don’t you want to play my songs? Let the music flow man or we ab initio quit this marbury of a place! Give us the music we want, more techno and rock!” And while saying this, I would dilate my pupils as if those were the words holding the ratio decidendi of my request. My demands were met. Thank God my law folks weren’t around.

The bottomline is to spit what is in your mind. The upshot is to scare as many as possible. Please, please, I am tired of listening to exclamations like Oh My God, Jesus! That is boring. How about: By Lord Denning, I can’t believe this! Oh my ratio decidendi!
As you progress further in your legal ladder, your galaxy of legal semantics should be on the rise. Terrorize everyone and never give a damn. When with a chiqquitta and you want to impress her, feel free to say something like: “ You are my ejusdem generis, the mention of your name is an appellate jurisdiction of my pecuniary purposive and mischief rule. You look like reception clause.” And when she is flattered and giggling, remind her to take her juice and say law has really spoilt you. But under no circumstances should you use this on a chick you were with in the same class.

I dominate all conversations. And I don’t care. When we discuss about people’s vuvuzelas missing I narrate the story of the Norman Conquest, the Sultan of Zanzibar and the Coastal strip. I even go further to compare the parliamentary systems and presidential systems. I don’t care whether they are relevant.

I speak randomly. We are discussing how matatus are misbehaving on our roads and I quip: It reminds me of the SM Otieno Case many years ago, you see, SM Otieno was brought to court for bad driving. That case I have read it inside out..

Perhaps nothing is much helpful when you are in an argument and you decide to place law as an obstacle in understanding. You are debating about getting paid your commission after doing something. To plead your case you say: I don’t understand this, the Law of Contract, the Penal Code, the Migratory Workers Convention, the International Conventions, the International Protocols, the International Treaties are all against this. This is very unfair. The letter and spirit of those Acts hold your act repugnant, unfair, there is no natural justice, there is no audi alteram, there is no opinion evidence…In fact, this is breach of contract, it is against parol evidence, one who seeks equity must do equity…

And say this as if one of your own has died. For maximum effect, raise your arms in the air, count all those items as if they are the worst aggressions ever committed to man. Trust me, you will win the conversation.
What are some of the legal terms or hard terminologies that you have used in awkward situations just to scare and achieve your desired effect?