Mwenge Edition #2

Wikileaks. I don’t know why there is brouhaha over Wikileaks. In Kacheliba, inside Mwenge, we are the brainchild of Wikileaks. We don’t even need to hack any computer to obtain secret data. We have the data, it is in our public domain. And we say it with chin raised in honesty  for all to hear. 

In Mwenge House, we can tell you what happened last night in the chief’s house, how he quarreled with his wife in bedroom and on which side of the bed did he sleep. We will tell you that is the reason why  he is walking around today with miraa inside his mouth not talking with people. We know all these things, you know.

We will tell you that the third child of that Mama Mandazi is not the true son of the man in the house. That child belongs to the watchman, Lotim. We have looked at the child’s nose, it is as bulby as that of Lotim. And those legs? And those legs? If I am lying then let Kacheliba Hill fall on me. Those legs are the legs of Lotim. They are as hairy as those of Lotim. In Mwenge we know these things.

We will also tell you how many wizards are currently in Kacheliba, for we have our figures.  They are around 11, not counting the one who migrated to Amudat. You see, these wizards have their Annual Leave. So this one we are talking about has gone to Amudat for a ‘fact-finding mission’. Ok, let us just say that they are 10. We have information that one wizard is sick because he danced on graves at C.P.K and somehow slipped and fell in one gully, injuring his leg. And this particular wizard is hopping around in the Marketplace. We have eyes and we can see.

We can accurately tell you which family slept hungry yesterday, which one drank just water and which one will break up on the 14^th of next month. We can also tell you whose daughter was impregnated by who and where.  Well, we don’t like discussing such matters but only do so between one taksin of miraa and another just as a commercial break between important issues like when exactly River Suam will ultimately rebel and refuse to flow under the bridge.

We sit here in Mwenge House having official secrets of the state. We know, for instance, that Raila whistles before he sleeps. We know these things. As for Baba Jimmy, well we know it, he loves liking Facebook groups. He can sit the whole night doing it. He uses different names, of course, we are too clever to know this. We also know who are in the Secret Ocampo Envelope. Those six people we know them, we don’t need Wikileaks to leak it for us. We are not very sure about the other five but we are sure of one. And that is the person who sent a bulldozer to demolish the canteen opposite the road. This man is Hague material, we have concluded. He is running everywhere saying that the bulldozer ‘accidentally’ demolished the canteen? He can’t lie to us, Mwengeans. When Ocampo calls the names, he will be there. Even if he builds another Canteen, Ocampo will not be duped.

We don’t need wikileaks to tell us who will be president in 2012. We already know. We have the information, you know. We also know whether Obama will retain his seat or not. We also know whether Museveni will continue being Uganda’s president. We also know the founder of Wikileaks: Isn’t this Assange Jullian ( whose proper Mwengean names are Julius Kasange) whose father used to sell fitos In Orolwo way back before Poryo Maua?

As Mwengeans, we appreciate our heroism. So, after tracing the lineage of Assange to one of our own, we will conclude, while holding sticks of miraa to demonstrate our point: Kama si hizi miraa na jua ya Kache, haki ya Mungu tunaweza enda farthest kama huyo Julius!