1 O’clock news K.B.C. News on 25th December:
Taarifa ya kuzaliwa kwa Yesu hapa nchini yazua hali ya sintofahamu na mshikemshike kwa viongozi na raia. Tulipokuwa tunachapisha habari hizi ili kuwaletea, ilikuwa bado haijabainika kwa kweli ikiwa mtoto huyo ni Yesu au la. Serikali imeamuru mtoto huyo afanyiwe uchunguzi wa DNA ili kubaini ikiwa DNA yake ni ile iliyoko kwenye biblia.
Translation:
News trickling in in our newsdesk have it that the birth of Jesus continue to elicit confusion and jittery feeling to the leadership and Kenyans as a whole. By the time we were going to press, it had not been confirmed whether this baby is the real Jesus. The Government has swung into action and directed that the child should undergo a DNA test.
One random citizen asked on this will say that Mary is an attention-seeking woman. He will point out that this is another version of the Deya Saga but with a female character in place.
By around 2 P.m. of 25th, curious Kenyans will rush to the place where Mary Mother of Jesus is said to be. Characteristic of our Government Spokesman, he will suggest the Moktar Daddah Street to be Jesus Street and a national monument to be erected. While generously saying ‘Najivunia kuwa Mkenya, Najivunia Yesu kuzaliwa Kenya’, he will call upon the President to declare Jesus Street a tourist attraction.
Visitors will flock Kenya. Ads will be placed on the telly. Sample this:
Apart from the wildebeest migration and the Maasai, Jesus Street is now open to members of the public which is our Bethlehem. Come visit and see where Mary Mother of Jesus actually delivered Jesus.
Kenyans who are business-savvy will line up the Moktar Daddah Street with every religious item that is worth selling: crosses, rosaries, bibles, t-shirts with religious writings, holy water, holy oils, holy piece of handkerchief that Mary Mother of Jesus actually used to wipe her brow, the soil upon which Mary sat on before delivering Jesus, the shawl that actually tied up Jesus.
Somewhere in the pages of the Classifieds one businessman will place the ad that the City Inspectorate Van that carried Mary and Jesus is up for sale at 45 Million.
And somewhere in a village, the news will spread of this development. One man, intoxicated by liquor, will spring to his feet, take a swig and declare:
Joseph, Son of Arimathea, comes from our Clan, the big buffalo clan of the Suk. His great great grandfather could take 12 gourds of sour milk while standing. Arimathea was a great man. This Joseph is our son although his blood got mixed a little to make him a carpenter but he still remains a great warrior in his blood. He could kill an antelope with only one arrow. He once tore a lion’s mouth into two.
See, friends, the Suk come from the eye of the sun, k’ongasis. We come from Israel, the land where our great grandfather, Arimathea, hails from….
The growth of the baby Jesus will be monitored closely by the Establishment. Inside State House, the cronies of the president will whisper:
Your Excellency, my breath is not worthy of your ears but allow me to say this. This child who is said to be a king is growing up fast and is gathering a huge following. He is not calling any political rally, he is only 12 but he is on every one’s lips. Direct the arrest of Joseph and Mary before things run out of hand.
There will be opposition even among religious leaders. It will not be uncommon to hear a religious scholar intone: I have studied Theology for 17 years now and based on that this is not Jesus but another ordinary baby and ordinary distressed woman trying to bring up an extra-ordinary story. Jesus? Which Jesus?
Then Lorot Son of the Hills will approach Jesus Son of Man and say: Jesus, I am Lorot Son of the Hills, you were born in the streets and I was born on the way. This is Kenya. There are some positions you might easily fit in like the Governor, Senator or the President. And if you get it, don’t forget me Jesus. I will be your campaign manager, for free. I will write your speeches, weave moving political poetry, mobilize Kenyans to follow you. It will be a door-to-door campaign. We need to create a Fund, Jesus, for our political rallies. You see, these parables things won’t work without something small. You will make it. You are the news, Jesus.
But Jesus will look at me graciously and say: Verily, verily I tell you Lorot Son of the Hills, the Son of Man never came to this world to seek the glory of man. I am Prince of Peace, the Anointed One, a Wonderful Counselor. I seek spiritual kingdom, not a political leadership…
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my readers.
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