If Jesus was to be born in Kenya #1

And so it came to pass that baby Jesus was born in Kenya. Mary Mother of Jesus was in great pains and was looking around for a place but the response she was getting was ‘vyumba vyote vimejaa’ ‘all houses are full’. Ironically, where Joseph and Mary went were surrounded by perimeter walls and written mbwa kali, bibi mkali. There was general consensus that such a king was part of political witch hunt, a well-calculated plan to deceive Kenyans in order to take reins of leadership. A commission of Inquiry was thus formed: A Commission of Inquiry into the Circumstances of the Birth of Jesus. Questions were floated, like the need for many Baby Jesuses to be born to have a regional balance and that the date of its birth be subjected to a Referendum.

In Parliament, one angry and distraught MP rose up to speak:

“Mr. Speaker, there is an important national matter. It is about a baby named Jesus born less than 48 hours ago at Pumwani. Word is going round that he is King. Mr. Speaker, I find this a comic relief between the issues of the Hague Six and Implementation Committees of the Constitution. What baffles my mind is that the country somehow believes this make-believe story, Mr. Speaker.  Mr. Speaker, I seek your indulgence on this matter. This is hogwash. Let this nonsense be stopped, Mr. Speaker.”

As this voice drones off in the August House, baby Jesus and Mother Mary are braving the sharp, searing glances of passersby and receiving coins thrown meters away. But the City Council askaris haul them into their white stuffy  wire-meshed  City Inspectorate Van. The askari will tell Mary Mother of Jesus: Jitetee Mama, hii mambo tumalizie hapa. Uko na ngapi? Offence yako ni serious kwa by-laws za kanjo. Kwanza, pretending to be the mother of Jesus. Second, littering the city. Causing distraction. Fine yenyewe si less than 10 k. Ongea Mama, ongea.

But Mary Mother of Jesus will say something like: God you will not be mocked, I glorify you. The kanjo will say something to the effect that he can’t be threatened by those calling upon the name of God for no reason.

Meanwhile, a Press Conference will be called by one disturbed politician who will look into the camera and while pointing into the skies say:

Can’t you see this is a plot by the international community? Can’t you see that this Jew Baby has been made to be delivered here to impose on us their leadership? No. We are a Sovereign State….We have had enough of our own internal tensions during the post-election violence. We don’t want foreign ones, the ones we have here are enough…

One consoling thing is that all this will be forgotten by the beginning of the year 2011. There will be no more captivating headlines like ‘Baby Jesus Born in Kenya: Fact or Fiction?’ The findings of the Commission of Inquiry, like others, will gather dust in bookshelves and soon Kenyans will think of other more important things like County Government Structures, Who will be who 2012 or who is the father of Ocampo and whether he has a Luo lineage.

In Capital Talk, Joseph and Mary will be interviewed by Jeff Koinange. Vintage Jeff will introduce the show:

What a show, what guests! Joseph and Mary. Yes. You heard it right. Joseph and Mary of our Bibles are on the bench tonight. Good grief! It is smokiiiiiiinnnn. Now Joseph, how does it feel getting the attention while, let’s face it, you are a carpenter? I mean you are the one trending, you are taking twitter, facebook  by storm, you are the hottest topic In the news, man….